Ok, I wouldn’t lie that I didn’t freak out when I saw the first wispy strand of white hair peeking out from my head. I did freak out. Quite a lot.
“Oh my god! Am growing old”
“Oh god! Am no longer beautiful!”
“Its been sitting right there on the top since God knows how many days, what if people in the office must have noticed..!!”
“What if Mr. Hilly Boy stops liking me because of this wretched piece of hair”
“What if I die alone…..????”
My friend standing next to me, as though he could hear every train of thought inside my head, simply told me, “You are fine, girl. Its just a single white hair. Now come on, we are getting late”
“Ofcourse, you think am worried? Silly, if I age, I may as well age gracefully. Am not afraid of white hairs.”
Both of us, thankfully, chose to close down the topic and continue with our lives, as though nothing had happened.
But something had happened! Am growing old. With my birthday coming up with a few weeks time, the frequency with which I have been questioning my self-worth has increased dramatically.
As I inch closer to 24, a no longer exciting number in life, I am constantly reminded of all the things I have managed to achieve in life till now, and all the things I have managed to fail in, miserably. Am reminded of a simple fact that I still am clueless on my individuality and my skill sets
My lazy, protected & highly comfortable life went for a complete toss when I took an emotionally charged decision to move away from Bombay. Not that I regret it. Just that I wasnt ready for it, back then. A year and a half later, I have made new amazing friends, lost quite a few awesome ones. That I have my own house (on rent) and am not dependent on my parents at all, is something that my egoistic soul relishes every single day.
Every passing day, I grow more and more comfortable with the silence around me. There’s something reassuring about this silence. There’s more room for your own thoughts. Something which the silence doesnt bother about. It lets you dwell on your inner thinking patterns and tendencies. It allows you to go back to people, places and memories which you know best should be forgotten. All the more, it doesnt stop you from dwelling into negativity. Silence doesnt even stop you from the occasional over-indulgence in alcohol, giving you imaginary powers of speech and courage, making you pick up your phone, call up ….well, lets leave the rest to imagination. Being still 23, I guess I am allowed an occasional outburst of heightened immaturity.
Silence has been such a convenient companion that over the time, I have gradually stopped returning calls of my dear and rare few friends, who still take the pain of being in touch. And thats pretty evil on my part. Well, we all have a bit of evilness in us. As with my standard dialogue, ‘No one is black or white, people are always shades of grey.’
Surprisingly, my office gang has got used to my long periods of silence and brooding. They best know now when not to disturb me. Their acceptance of my new found love of silence has gone to an extent that my regular behavior confuses them, prompting them to label me as ‘hyper’ on those chosen days!
My books have forgotten me, and I have forgotten when was the last time I peacefully sat down with some crunchies in hand to watch a movie on my laptop.
The rare few people with whom I (unfortunately for them) share my life in and out, have gone tired of my excessive rants, stopping just short enough to make it prominent. One threatened to throw me out of the window, and the other simply said, “Dude, why do you sound like you are going through a mid-life crisis when you are not in one?!!?”
“Girl, you are officially on the verge of being a LONER!!!”
So, as a birthday resolution, I have decided to start being more flexible in human relations, and less of a loner.
Step #1 – Call back all the old friends, slowly and gradually, without freaking them out of my sudden change in behavior
Step #2 – Make new Friends, without appearing too needy and clingy
Step #3 – Learn a new skill, something more social and less about office & work related knowledge
Step #4 – Move out of my ‘alone’ house space and start living with people
Step #5 – Take a trip, or a weekend getaway. SOON!!
Step #6 – Stop worrying about white hair
Yes, and wait for my 24th birthday. Maybe I should start publicizing that my birthday is just round the corner. For a change, I should behave my age and not like a 30 year old, as some people have been telling me since a long time!